Dj Znuh, Rules for a Dj

Dj Znuh from New England lays out some rules for a new Dj
• Don’t be a Dick.
• No really, Don’t be a Dick. Chances are people you’re working with have been doing this far longer than you, who know more people. And, should they choose, can decide not to water your little plot of ego-centric land. Being a Dick also shows up in many, many other ways, and colors a floor completely. Shit Brown is nothing to brag about painting with.
• If you’re into this to be cool or for power or both, put down your CDs and kindly walk into traffic. If any cool happens, it’s a side effect from doing your job correctly.
• Thou shall not be a dick and purposely fuck a floor before the next DJ comes on. Although with me, please, try it. I’ll learn something new and get even stronger.
• Thou shall not play MP3s under 320. Yes, we can hear 192s.
• Thou shall properly set your levels and not peg anything into the red. Just because it’s red doesn’t mean you’re doing things more extreme, you’re being a dork and now ruining the signal going to the main house amps where it’s then reproduced as shit.
• If you have a laptop, thou shall get your shit in order BEFORE the night kicks off and NOT during the time that other people are performing. Just because your technical shitbox isn’t working doesn’t mean you get to tread all over anyone else’s set.
• The night isn’t about you. It really isn’t. You’re there to be a part of something awesome and to welcome others into participating. Selfishness is boring and if you’re really that insecure, you shouldn’t be playing music to an audience.
• You will NOT start a night without Foreplay. You don’t start fucking by dryly screwing your lover. You sure as don’t seduce people into dancing by beating them over their heads with your wang. Nothing’s more embarrassing than going into a club at 9:30 and seeing DJ Wet-Behind-The-Ears larging up prime-time cuts to a very empty floor. Also shows all potential lovers that you haven’t got a clue and don’t care.
• If you booked a DJ, you WILL PAY THEM what was originally agreed upon.
• If you’re starting out, whipping out your tiny prick will only result in other, more experienced people to whip their huge equipment out, beat you over the head and cause you to leave crying. The best way to piss off a black belt is by putting on your white (or yellow) and then bragging about your skill.
• The best way to learn is to recognize you’re part of a community, that if you’re lucky, more experienced people will want to share their knowledge. Like a Dojo, the higher ranks teach the lower belts. It’s not a competition. Everyone has different skill and like advancing in a Dojo, hard work and practice means you will eventually be up there too. Being pissy about your lack of whatever will just hold you back longer. And color your floor.
• IF PEOPLE ARE NOT DANCING, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
• IF PEOPLE ARE NOT DANCING, YOU NEED TO ASK WHY.
• IF THEY STILL AREN’T DANCING, FORCING YOUR MUSIC HARDER WILL NOT WORK.
• There’s no finish line. There is no ‘Win’ at DJing.
• Beatmatching is a tool. It is not the Arc of the Covenant, it is not a Hand of Glory, it will not unlock the secrets of the universe (or that Girl’s panties). Relying on one tool makes you very boring..
• Don’t clash keys. If you have to ask what a key is, consider pottery.
• Technology will never substitute being emotionally connected to the Moment and to the Floor. All the gadgets in the world are useless if you can’t bridge the gap between you and who’s at the club.
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Photo by Dj Rex
• If you like a song that a DJ found, offer a cool song you found in return. Shamelessly ganking is a total dick move and is very well remembered.
• When your set is up, kindly move your CDs/Laptop/Calliope OUT OF THE WAY so the other DJ can do their job.
• Be respectful of people’s ears. Listen to your music on the floor and then EQ things properly. If the club is empty, do not play stuff at full.
• Ego ruins the possibility to apply awesome. Get over yourself.
• Do NOT keep everything at the same BPM for your entire set. Unless you’re Oakenfold, Guetta or the like and you’re being paid to play House or DnB at a house or DnB night, you’ll bore the fuck out of everyone there. Or, please do. You’ll again make my life a lot easier when it’s my turn.
• People are there to Dance. Don’t get on the Mic unless absolutely necessary. Having to command people to dance over the PA means you’ve failed.
• Honor Requests. Yelling your request at the DJ will result in us forgetting about you very quickly.
• Thou shall NOT keep drinks near my stuff / other people’s stuff where it can be knocked over and destroy things that either cost more than you make in a year or are priceless.
• When your set’s up, don’t hang out in the booth unless asked to. Don’t mess with lights or anything else again, unless asked. Respect space (because chances are the other DJ did) and leave the booth. Get a drink.
• Don’t tell the other DJ what to play.
• Don’t show up with your CDs/Laptop and ask to play if you weren’t invited to begin with.
• If someone shows a genuine interest, no matter their background, don’t shit on them.
• Telling me how cool you are will result in my eyes glazing over. Asking me to share in something cool will get my undivided attention.

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